I went to the Knicks game with Dave and Aaron the night before. I tell them about the Vanpool. They can’t believe I would get into a van filled with strangers. But I explain to them that it’s cool inside the van.
The van pulls up. The night before, we bought Lakeland bus tickets in case the van didn’t come. I explain to everyone that we have tickets that we already paid for.
We’re told that we can pay with our tickets, which we do. The three of us receive $1 back.
Barbara, who is wearing a leopard print scarf, asserts herself at the van’s power broker.
“Charlie, can you turn the heat up? I’m too cold,” she says.
“Can you turn down the heat? You put it up too high,” she says 45 seconds later.
Dave, Aaron and I all agree that there needs to be a TV show about The Vanpool.
Anytime the Vanpool goes through the Lincoln Tunnel, it emerges in a different era, where the passengers have been transported back in time to correct the wrongs of the past. If they fail, the Lincoln Tunnel ceases to exist, making the commute from Midtown to Hoboken just that much longer.
EPISODE 1The vanpool emerges in a Hooverville during The Great Depression. Their mission: to help a family sell their newborn child for food. If they do so, that child will grow up to be a backup New York Yankee infielder who will hit a clutch base hit in August of 1988.
The vanpool emerges on the day of the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. If successful, they will prevent the disaster from happening. This means that no workplace safety rules such as OSHA will ever be enacted, making American labor costs that much cheaper, which allows our manufacturing industries to still compete against China. Also: the second season of The Wire is completely different.
The vanpool emerges in the middle of The Stonewall Riots and rescues a homeless trannie from being beaten by the police. From there, the Vanpool denizens convince the transsexual that his “choice” of sexuality is both unnatural and wrong, which helps them save America’s public schools.
But there’s a catch at the end of every episode! No artifacts from our time can be left in the past, or else it will (obviously) destroy the space-time continuum. Barbara’s character, every week, leaves her leopard print scarf or gaudy earrings somewhere, which means the vanpool has to find it before they change history… for the worst!